Gaslighting: What Is It, Really? (And What It’s Not)
I'm sure you've heard the term gaslighting recently. It's a word that's been tossed around more and more, but what actually is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation meant to make someone doubt their memory, perception, or reality. It often happens subtly and gradually, and over time, it can deeply affect a person’s sense of self and trust in their own judgment.
While the term has gained traction in recent years, its origins go back much further. Gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton. In the play, a husband deliberately tries to convince his wife to doubt her own beliefs and reality. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home. When his wife points it out, he insists nothing has changed. The goal is to make her question what she knows to be true.
Just like in the play, gaslighting isn't simply about conflict or disagreement. It’s about control, power, and manipulation. It's a tool used in emotionally abusive relationships (romantic, familial, professional, or otherwise) to gain power and control and destabilize the other person’s sense of self.
Because the term is now widely used, sometimes inaccurately, let’s start by getting clear on what gaslighting is not.
What Gaslighting is Not
The overuse of the term gaslighting can water down its meaning. So let’s distinguish actual gaslighting from everyday relational challenges:
Disagreement: Not everyone who disagrees with you is gaslighting you. People can see things differently without being manipulative.
Example:
You: “I think that book was a really good story.”
Them: “Really? I thought it was kind of boring.”
Defensiveness: It’s not uncommon for people to get defensive when they feel criticized or misunderstood. While defensiveness can be frustrating and lead to other relationship challenges, it isn’t the same as gaslighting or manipulation.
Example: "It isn’t my fault. I was stressed!”
Forgetting or Misremembering What You Said: We all forget things. Forgetting a comment or promise is normal and doesn’t mean someone is trying to deceive you. Gaslighting involves intentional distortion.
Example:
You: “You said you would call tonight.”
Them: “I was so busy that I completely forgot.”
Being Confronted: If someone confronts you to share that they were hurt, that isn’t gaslighting. Gaslighting would be telling them their feelings aren’t valid or repeatedly telling them that they’re being "too sensitive.”
Example:
Them: “When you said that, it really hurt me.”
You: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Honest Miscommunication: Sometimes people simply misunderstand each other. It can be frustrating, but it’s not gaslighting.
Example:
You: “I thought you said you'd grab dinner.”
Them: “Oh, I thought you were picking it up.”
Changing Their Mind: Someone changing their opinion or decision isn’t gaslighting unless they claim they never said or thought something.
Example: “I know I said I wanted to go with, but I’ve changed my mind.”
So, What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting involves a pattern of behavior meant to confuse, disorient, and control. It can include:
Denying your experience: “That never happened,” even when it clearly did. OR “That’s not what I said. You’re making things up.”
Minimizing your emotions: “You’re overreacting,” “You’re being dramatic,” “You’re too sensitive.”
Blaming you for their behavior: “I wouldn’t have yelled if you weren’t late.”
Twisting the narrative: Turning your valid concerns into evidence that you’re the problem.
Creating confusion: Changing the story, denying past statements, or introducing contradictions to destabilize you.
Gaslighting isn’t about a single instance. It’s about a long-term strategy or repeated pattern that leaves the other person questioning their reality and judgment. Over time, it can create intense self-doubt, anxiety, and isolation.
The Impact of Gaslighting
If you've experienced gaslighting, you may start to:
Constantly second-guess yourself
Apologize excessively, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
Feel like you’re “too sensitive” or “too emotional”
Struggle to trust your memory or judgment
Feel confused, anxious, or like you’re “going crazy”
If You Think You're Being Gaslit
Here are a few steps that might help:
Keep a journal: Write down conversations and events. Having a written record can help you stay grounded in your truth.
Talk to a trusted person: A friend, therapist, or support group can offer perspective and validation.
Set boundaries: You’re allowed to protect your peace. Saying “I’m not going to argue about what I know to be true” or even just “I’m not discussing this” can be powerful.
Consider professional support: Therapy can help you untangle the effects of gaslighting, rebuild self-trust, and heal.
You deserve relationships that make you feel seen, safe, and respected. If you’ve experienced gaslighting, know that healing is possible, and that you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m here to support you. Reach out to schedule a free consultation whenever you're ready.
Michaela Zoppa is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Colorado. She supports women and teen girls navigating anxiety, perfectionism, trauma, and burnout.
